Tag Archives: Alcoholism

Vices (A Conversation With a Friend)

“I need a fucking drink.”
“I need a fucking drink, too.”
“Yeah? If I was there, we’d go have one together. I need somebody to talk and drink with.”
“You’d have a partner in me. I love to have a social cocktail every now and again.”
“If by every now and again, you mean you’re a degenerate alcoholic like me that’s already drinking at 4:00 in the afternoon, count me as a friend. I should have gone to Nevada to hit the craps tables. Guess it’s not too late. Only a 45-minute drive…”
“Hell, I’d go if it was only 45 minutes away. And no, I seriously drink socially and that’s it.”
“Oh. I drink to take the pain away. Does that make me an alcoholic? Only if I admit it, right?”
“I write to take the pain away. Does that make me a writer? Only if I admit it, right?”
“Can one have multiple addictions at the same time? Answer: no. So you’re a writer with other vices. I’m an alcoholic who happens to write as a vice. I just wish my other vice wasn’t sex. I’m often disappointed and still have to practice ‘self-reliance’ on a regular basis.”

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I Don’t Have A Drinking Problem, I Have A ‘You’ Problem

I have been struggling with an addiction for a while now. Internet porn. That’s actually not why I wanted to write this.

I wanted to write about how infuriating people’s judgments can be, particularly regarding drinking.

There’s a saying among alcoholics: One is too many and a thousand is never enough.

Thank God I’m not an alcoholic because I couldn’t stand not being able to drink. They say the first step is admitting you have a problem. Nobody ever said what the next step was.

You see, my friends all thought that I had a problem. “You get drunk all the time,” they said. Things like: “Do you have to drink so early?”, “Slow down and save some for everybody else”, “Somebody cut him off”, “I’m not cleaning the toilet after him” and other judgmental things. They even told me once, “You know we’re friends and a friendship is like a team but when you drink, you get very selfish. There is no I in team. Please stop.”

So I did what any self-respecting person would do: I told them, “You’re right. There is no I in team. But there is a you in fuck you.” And I got new friends because the fact is, I don’t get drunk, I get awesome!

I also gave myself to the Lord, Jesus Christ. It was comforting to know He accepts me for who I am. After all, He turned water into wine. True story. That tells me He has no qualms about my drinking.

The funny thing was, though, that I gave myself to Jesus but now He never calls. Or was it a priest dressed in a robe and long beard? I couldn’t tell, I was wasted.

Eh, oh well. I’ve found the fountain of youth anyway. Coincidentally, it looks and smells a lot like liquor. Happy birthday, me! Let’s celebrate! Grab a glass and fill your hand, you son of a bitch!

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