I Don’t Have A Drinking Problem, I Have A ‘You’ Problem

I have been struggling with an addiction for a while now. Internet porn. That’s actually not why I wanted to write this.

I wanted to write about how infuriating people’s judgments can be, particularly regarding drinking.

There’s a saying among alcoholics: One is too many and a thousand is never enough.

Thank God I’m not an alcoholic because I couldn’t stand not being able to drink. They say the first step is admitting you have a problem. Nobody ever said what the next step was.

You see, my friends all thought that I had a problem. “You get drunk all the time,” they said. Things like: “Do you have to drink so early?”, “Slow down and save some for everybody else”, “Somebody cut him off”, “I’m not cleaning the toilet after him” and other judgmental things. They even told me once, “You know we’re friends and a friendship is like a team but when you drink, you get very selfish. There is no I in team. Please stop.”

So I did what any self-respecting person would do: I told them, “You’re right. There is no I in team. But there is a you in fuck you.” And I got new friends because the fact is, I don’t get drunk, I get awesome!

I also gave myself to the Lord, Jesus Christ. It was comforting to know He accepts me for who I am. After all, He turned water into wine. True story. That tells me He has no qualms about my drinking.

The funny thing was, though, that I gave myself to Jesus but now He never calls. Or was it a priest dressed in a robe and long beard? I couldn’t tell, I was wasted.

Eh, oh well. I’ve found the fountain of youth anyway. Coincidentally, it looks and smells a lot like liquor. Happy birthday, me! Let’s celebrate! Grab a glass and fill your hand, you son of a bitch!

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6 thoughts on “I Don’t Have A Drinking Problem, I Have A ‘You’ Problem

  1. Sheena says:

    This was excellent! Really good post, and happy birthday, get drunk with your cool new friends 🙂

  2. Jen says:

    Well said!!!! Brilliant and humorous as usual.

  3. mac says:

    Quality material. I laughed quite a lot.
    Lucky for some of us, we’re still chilling in the fountain of youth…
    And yes, it smells like alcohol.

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